The Problem Was Once The Answer
Do you find yourself becoming more and more aware of the negative consequences of a particular pattern? Maybe you experience anxiety that makes it difficult to focus or be present, maybe you get angry or reactive with your partner and it’s causing heartache and disconnection, maybe shame prevents you from taking that risk of talking to a new person, maybe alcohol use is creating health issues, maybe you realize that being so intellectual means it’s difficult to connect with your partner or kids emotionally. Whatever the pattern or issue may be, it can become easy to fixate on how problematic it is. Once we notice “The Problem”, it’s the most natural next step to try to change it or fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes that can actually entrench us more in the pattern and make things worse. What we resist persists.
Consider this: What if “The Problem” was once actually “The Answer”? This may seem counterintuitive or even offensive, but you may be surprised if you hold this with some curiosity. In what ways is anxiety helpful for you? How is disconnecting adaptive? What becomes easier to do when you drink? Does shame actually keep you safe and connected in some way?
Here are some examples:
“Anxiety makes it easy for me to stay out of my body and out of my sadness. I’m scared to feel how big my emotions are and anxiety helps me avoid big, unpredictable feelings.”
“Shame causes me to hide who I really am so that I don’t have to risk rejection, because I’m worried that that might be devastating. When I feel shame I isolate, which helps me hold back vulnerable parts of myself so they don’t get hurt.”
“Being destructive and reactive in relationships and being critical of the other person helps me preserve the fantasy that one day I’ll find the perfect partner, and everything will be OK.”
“Showing people how intellectual I am means I don’t have to deal with looking silly or feeling embarrassed because people think I have it all figured out. When I get stuck in my thoughts, I avoid making decisions and if I don’t make decisions then I don’t risk looking silly.”
“Alcohol has been more predictably there for me than people have been. By cutting off from people and drinking alone, it’s easier for me to self-regulate and accept myself (at least while I’m drunk).”
“Anger helps me protect myself and set firm boundaries when I’m feeling threatened.”
So if you find yourself focusing on all the negative effects of The Problem, start by getting really curious about how it developed as an Answer to a difficult experience, how it’s attempting to help you in some way. This can be the beginning of understanding and self-compassion. Then, what’s underneath The Answer (the real issue) will begin to reveal itself and can begin to heal.
